You'll come to realize over time that I like to read a lot. Well, I try to anyway. My current "to be read" pile nearly equals my "already read" pile. I'm sure the disparity could be much worse, but I tend to be pretty selective about what I read. In the future you'll likely gain a little more insight into what it is that I do read, but for now it's just one particular work I want to mention.
I was pretty thrilled a couple of years ago to hear that two of my favorite authors were co-writing a book. Naturally, I picked up my copy relatively quickly after it's release and while I'd love to say that I immediately devoured it, alas, I was already in the middle of another series so this new work was relegated to my ever expanding (and previously mentioned) "to be read" pile. But, that really is of no consequence to my purpose here, because it’s not the book itself I want to focus on.
In the time between buying the book and actually reading it (and for what it's worth, it was excellent) I decided to at least check out the DVD in the back cover. You see, each author was also currently promoting movies based on two of their past works, so this was a teaser of sorts complete with trailers, behind the scenes footage, interviews and a trivia game based on the authors. What I loved about the trivia (which I did very well at, thank you) was that after most questions, that particular author gave a more detailed insight into the answer. And it's one such question and answer that really hit home.
The question asked who the inspiration was for one of the lead characters in that particular author's book. The answer, quite simply, was himself. Upon explaining this, he mentioned that in some ways you could probably tell where he was in his spiritual journey as you read each of his works. I've transcribed below what he had to say about himself during the time he wrote the one the movie was based on. He said:
"I was going through a real pivotal moment that many or most Christians have to go through. It's like a coming of age. Where you cross a threshold from your Christianity being kind of a cultural thing. 'Well, this is what I am. I'm a Presbyterian, or I'm a Methodist, or I go to this church. And therefore I do what my particular Christian culture says that a Christian is supposed to do. I wear a certain clothing, and I use a certain expression and I go to church on Sunday and I go to Wednesday night bible study...whatever the manual says a Christian is supposed to do, that's what I do.' And then there's a point where you cross over and your faith becomes your own. It's not defined by the culture in which you were saved, or raised, or whatever. But it’s your own. And that is a big, big step. And a lot of it is preceded by a very difficult time of doubt, skepticism, questioning things. In my case there was a lot of burn out, a little touch of bitterness, and kind of a, 'Don't talk to me about what a Christian is supposed to be. I'm sick of Christianity. I just want to find Jesus, the way He really is.'"
That really sums up where I'm at and have been for the last couple of years. You see, I've spent well over half my life in the church. And to say that I was involved would be an understatement. It's like the author said, whatever the manual said I was supposed to do, that's what I did. Don't misunderstand me though. Most of it was done out of genuine love for what I was doing, and a genuine desire to be faithful to Him. But a couple of years ago, even before I heard the quote above, I began to feel it. The burn out. The bitterness. The questioning. Even in a church that almost prided itself on not having a culture, there became a sort of culture of non-culture if you will. And as I started to step back, I saw it with ever increasing clarity. I looked at my own life in depth and realized that I was being a part of that culture more than I was being a disciple. I was doing everything I was supposed to do, but my faith wasn't my own. Thus, my journey began. I started examining our Christian culture. Not just in the sense of an individual church, but as a whole.
And that's what this site is really all about. It's the continuation of my journey. My inward thoughts about trying to find something more authentic, expressed outwardly. I can't really tell you what you'll find here. It could be a quote I heard, or a song, or a book I read. It could be a verse I find relevant or just some random thought. What you won't find is anything claiming to be an answer. These are just my own humble thoughts and opinions.
Maybe you’re a new Christian and you're on that high thinking that you’ll never doubt your faith, and you're doing everything that your Christian culture says you should do. Maybe you’re in the process of crossing the threshold, doubting what you’ve held to all these years, knowing that there's something more authentic to be found, but not sure where to find it. And maybe you’re already there, having moved past all the bells and whistles and culture that we call church sometimes to the place where Jesus is waiting. Whatever the case, I hope you continue reading. As for me personally, I think I'm almost across the threshold. God is laying a lot of things on my heart. Maybe something will speak to you as well. Maybe it won’t. All I know is that I’m tired of being a "Christian". I just want to find Jesus.
1 comment:
Thanks for your transparency; it's refreshing! Here is something I wrote in my journal awhile back.
Why is it so hard for me to admit weakness? Why do I pull away from looking into the mirror of my selfishness, my flaws--the part of myself that lies beneath the makeup, the smile that says all is fine, the proud heart that revels in accomplishment and control.
Who remains when the noise dies down, when the TV is off, when I sit alone? What is that emptiness I see, that cry for something more that rises to the surface when activity stops. Yes, I've come far, but I cannot forget where I come from.
I come from utter darkness and despair--from the sharp pain of loneliness and paralyzing fear. I was captive . . .dying . . .without an escape. Anxiety and judgement were my closest friends. My self-hate turned depression to desperation.
And that's when He found me. My eyes were too blind to look for Him, my ears were too deaf to hear His call. HE was the One who lifted me out of the slimy pit, who breathed his Life in me, who set my feet on a rock and, for the first time, put a song of hope in my mouth.
He was the One who placed a new heart within me and unwrapped the chains around my hands and feet. His perfect love conquered the fear that had plagued me, and his words fed my hungry soul.
How can I think that I can be sufficient on my own now? Have I grown blind to the truth of who I really am, to the fact that my pride drives me away from my Rescuer and to the hands of all that I was set free from?
Is a comfortable life worth the return of my chains? Is the pursuit of more justified by what I think I deserve? What I DO deserve is judgement...rejection... death.
So who am I really, when all else is stripped away? I am one who once begged for mercy and who still requires it. I am, on my best day, a broken vessel, one who sees her need to be held, molded, taught, led. One who recognizes the cries of desperation that surround her and doesn't condemn those that they rise from.. For she has cried out with them and can offer them hope that they have been heard and that a Rescuer awaits. . .
Ephesians 2:1-10
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